Procrastinator to a fault =\

I think I’ll be able to get some stuff done today…I’ve been making some progress at least (sort of), but I feel like I’ll be able to do it. Gonna be a crazy month for me, but I know it’s in me to do it–I need a challenge. Hopefully it’ll pay off in the end and I will be able to find a good job to live on. I just have to keep that in mind right now and not let my mental insecurites eat me. Yes I still hate being alone, but I can manage…for another month (it’s been so long already).

I search out but you cannot be found

I feel like crying. I got all this unused emotion up inside me that is eating me up. I need some way to get it out. Won’t someone take it? Laughter, Love, Adventure, Altruism, Anger, Sarcasm, Smiles, Compliments, Charity…Anything? Any takers? I feel so alone.

Disconnected.

Dischord.

I’m not one to believe that ‘hate’ is that easy to have, but I hate living like I am. I hate not knowing what to change. I hate knowing what I need to do and not be able to do it. I hate that I have unresolved fears or past events. I hate that I have an inability to make friends, especially with females. I hate how I am never comfortable with the people I communicate with. I hate how I automatically think people don’t like me or think they are wasting their time on me; It’s not that I think I am worthless, it’s just that I don’t know? It is such a drain to worry and act like that. It’s not wonder I hate groups of people.

I just want to be accepted; I just want to be liked. I don’t get that very much though. No one really takes an interest in me. Whenever I ask the people in my house to play a game or do something no one wants to. Whenever I try to start a conversation no one wants to talk. These people like to do those things, and they do them–just not with me. I don’t understand. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me. I really don’t think I am blind to glaring social blunders, I mean I have some small ones…but I think I am normal enough. Sure most people generally like me, and sure my family loves me; however, I don’t think I have one relationship where I am happy with it. No one seems to want to be as interested in me as I am in them. I’m pretty sure this whole rant can summed up into 5 words: I want a best friend.

I just don’t feel deeply wanted, and it hurts.

Wall: I’m a wall. I don’t think.

Guy: Well you just responded didn’t you? That must elicit some sort of thinking.

Wall: I am an inamimate object. Do you really think I can talk? Obviously whatever words you think you are hearing are your imagination.

Guy: I think I know what’s in my imagination. I know what’s in my head. It’s my head.

Wall: Do you really? You asked, “What do you think?” and you got a response–from your imagination. You think you are perptually alone; you felt the need to communicate with something other than yourself. Well your mind did it. There you go.

Guy: No, no that is all wrong. If I feel the need to communicate with someone else I just wallow in my own social inadequacies. I don’t try to create something out of nothing. I would talk to a human, not a wall.

Wall: Then why did you ask me what I thought.

Guy: It was rhetorical irony.

Wall: I don’t buy it. Why are you still talking to me?

Guy: I have nothing else to do.

Wall: Why not go outside? You love nature.

Guy: I am too despondent at the moment to muster up any self will.

Wall: Sounds like a problem.

Guy: Definitely. The mind is a hard thing to master–I’m struggling with it.

Wall: As evidenced by the fact that you are talking to yourself, but don’t realize it.

Guy: So you are not a wall?

Wall: I am, in fact, a wall.

Guy: I thought you were me?

Wall: Do I look like you?

Guy: You talk like me. I guess in a metaphorical sense I look like you too. A blank wall. In some program I went to years ago, someone told me that’s what I looked like to them metaphorically. So maybe you are just some hurtful part of the past that has decided to show up. I mean, really–a talking wall? I got some mental problems though for sure. Maybe I’m becoming schizophrenic.

Wall: Could be. Remember those tests you had to take? You scored high on the schizophrenic social part. Your hallucinations could now start becoming realized.

Guy: Yeah. If you were just a wall too, how would you know so much about me? This is kind of crazy.

Wall: Ya, you are.

Guy: Why couldn’t you be some hot girl instead?

Wall: It’s not my fault that you created me. I am who I am. You are what you are. We are what we are. It is surprising though that you created me, a wall.

Guy: Well I didn’t actually create the wall, you were just sitting there.

Wall: Just like you are just sitting there. Maybe I created you.

Guy: Nah, I’m real.

Wall: Then what am I if I am you?

Guy: We are what we are.

Wall: Clever.

Guy: Thanks. Why do you ask so many questions? If you are me, then you would know me.

Wall: I’m not the one asking questions, you are.

Guy: Well, I don’t think my mind would create something so desperately confusing.

Wall: What about your dreams? Or nightmares as you might refer to them. They certainly delve into heavy and confusing topics. You know that.

Guy: Good point. Well I guess if anything, I’m getting some sort of conversation.

Wall: Indeed. That is why we are talking.

Guy: I am speaking out loud, right?

Wall: Yes, am I?

Guy: I guess there is only one way to find out, record you on my microphone.

Wall: Okay.

Guy: Okay, let me plug my headest in. Alright, say your favorite quote on 3. 1 – 2 – 3.

Wall: Nine women cannot create a baby in one month.

Guy: Wow, there are sound waves! I can’t believe this.

Wall: Dude, you are such an idiot. I am actually your heaven sent best friend you’ve been waiting for–turn around.

Guy: Oh, wow. My mirror; I should have known. Good one Wall. Good one to exploit me like that. Are you trying to insinuate that I should be more comfortable with myself, trying to remind me that in God’s eyes I am important to him? Well that is nice to know, but my relationship with myself and God at the moment isn’t strong enough to carry me. I really need someone other than me–just to get my feet off the ground, you know? I want to fly, I just need some wings. I really do want high self-esteem, it is just hard right now. Here I go rambling again. Wall?

[silence]

Guy: Wall?

[silence]

Guy: This must be what if feels like to be a trapped housefly. Life is short, then you get hit with a swatter before you even live that out. Out of all the windows in life, why did I go through the one that I did? And how do I open it again? I feel as if my time is running out, and If I don’t do something soon I’m gonna get swat. Trapped, like between walls of a prison cell–the walls of my mind. How do I break free? Or are the windows and door open, I just lack the guts to leave?

I gotta stop biting my fingernails.

Got a haircut a few days ago, only been getting compliments so that is good; however, it is all from family.

I love my grandparents.

Akira Kurosawa would turn 100 this month–gonna try to comlete his oeuvre this month. ~10 or 11 movies to go. He is in my top 5 directors of all time. Japanese is probably my favorite language to hear–so poetic.

I love little children–can't wait to have my own some day (not soon xD)

Enrahah

Did I mention I loveee British/Australian accents?

O the perils of staying up too late! I shall go read my textbook!

How am I doing today? Fantastic! The Earth moved!